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What If This Is The Greatest Christmas Movie Of All Time?

It isn’t, but that’s not the point…

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This is the story of a Christmas wish that came true.

I spent most of my first year of college smoking weed and playing Street Fighter II on my roommate’s Nintendo. I did other things, too. I fell in love with a woman named Martha. I argued about art and philosophy, and I forgot what I was writing about? Oh, yeah, I smoked a lot of weed. Joints, bowls, bongs. There is probably a large swath of my brain that still looks like post-war Europe.

And I played a lot of Street Fighter II, one of the few video games I ever excelled at. For a brief moment, I was good at playing the legendary 1997 first-person shooter Goldeneye until my little brother demonstrated that I was not, in fact, good at Goldeneye. I also just wasn’t a “video game” stoner. I was more of a “Pizza Hut” and “watch True Romance over and over again” stoner. But Street Fighter II was different. I could play it while high, and while under the influence, I had developed a game-playing strategy: I’d smash the game controller buttons as quickly as I could until I was either victorious, which I was, sometimes more often than not.

Here are my top five Street Fighter characters: 1. E. Honda 2. Blanka 3. Chun-Li 4. Guile 5. Dhalsim.

I just needed to explain why I, a recently grown adult boy, would want to see the big-budget 1994 movie adaptation of Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia, which came out the day before Christmas Eve. Sadly, I would be traveling the day it opened, so a viewing would have to wait until Christmas Day. I considered seeing it on Christmas Eve, but that day was too crammed with family traditions like eating ham and eating more ham to sneak away.

But Christmas Day? That came in two simple parts. The first is opening presents. The second is doing nothing — eating cookies, picking tinsel out of your hair, napping.

That was my Christmas wish. I lied to make it happen, too. My little brother was on board, of course. I told my dad it was a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, which it was, but…

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John DeVore

I created Humungus, a blog about pop culture, politics, and feelings. Support the madness: https://johndevore.medium.com/subscribe