I’m Brett Baier. Welcome to the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland and the first Republican Primary Presidential Debate of the 2016 election season here on FOX, America’s News Headquarters.
Before introducing each candidate, I’d like to go over the rules for tonight’s debate.
Each candidate will get a minute to make an opening statement. The candidate with the highest polling numbers will go first, so that means Donald Trump will go first, followed by Donald Trump, then everyone else who won’t ever be President.
Each candidate is allowed an additional minute to thank FOX News, the city of Cleveland, the voters, their families, their supporters, America, the Constitution, the military, law enforcement, and every single microscopic zygote.
Each candidate should remember to smile, like a slashed throat.
Each candidate will get a full minute to smirk back at Chris Wallace as he smirks. If Megyn Kelley addresses you directly, please address her as “Madam Legs,” or “Blondo,” or “Chica,” for those of you who are bilingual. I am speaking directly to you, Governor Bush.
Each candidate should kegel when not actively debating.
It is required that candidates say “Obama” and roll their eyes no less than 47 times during the course of the debate. Please, a reminder, when referring to a certain former Secretary of State, all you need to do is sick your finger in your mouth and we’ll all understand.
Each candidate is allowed to have one glass of saliva ready.
Candidates cannot read from prepared notes. However, each candidate should repeat, verbatim, whatever it is they hear told to them in their nearly invisible ear pieces.
Candidates will be allowed 30 seconds for their rebuttals. These rebuttals can include, but are not limited to, barking like a dog, shouting “Benghazi,” or vomiting swarms of locusts.
In the case of Governor Perry, rakishly adjusting his prop glasses and counting to ten on his fingers is an acceptable rebuttal to any question. Senator Rubio acting adorable also counts as a rebuttal.
Dr. Ben Carson is allowed to speak for a maximum of 30 seconds the whole evening.
Governor Christie is allowed to shout and wheeze and bang his giant cake fists on the podium in anger for those 30 seconds.
Donald Trump may respond at any time to anyone. He can interrupt anyone. He can try to raise a white army of righteousness or take a Trump-sized dump on the stage tonight, we just don’t care. He is a king and our loins ache before his majesty.
If a candidate’s name is invoked, that candidate will get a chance to respond with time determined by the moderator. Which would be me. For instance, if Governor Huckabee suggests that God himself wants him to run for president, Senator Ted Cruz is allowed to make a speech in response.
It is required that each candidate confirm the following the talking points:
*Mexicans are a race of desert rape people who can’t control their rape feelings.
* No deal with Iran should be allowed, unless that deal is cut by a Republican.
*Candidates should reaffirm their belief in small government, specifically, government small enough to fit inside a woman’s uterus.
*Institutional and structural racism doesn’t exist in America, isn’t that right Dr. Ben Carson? Just nod.
Each candidate will get to make a 30 second closing statement. So feel free to stare directly into the camera, and into the souls of voters who won’t be around for the 2020 debates.
One moment… I’m getting word from a producer that Senator Rick Santorum is currently running loose somewhere in the Quicken Loans Arena. Candidates should feel free to shoot him on site. You are all, after all, each heavily armed.