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The Only Way Two Men Can Say “I Love You” Is If One Is About To Trigger A Nuke
*Sings Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing’ at karaoke*
If the patriarchy ever invited the fellas over for a movie night, I’d recommend director Michael Bay’s 1998 disaster epic Armageddon. It’s a classic of macho mythology and one of the last movies to unironically celebrate old-fashioned manly virtues like “horny” and “mad.”
Armageddon is about a ragtag group of filthy American oil riggers who ride a space shuttle to the surface of a giant killer asteroid and then proceed to blow it the fuck up, saving the world from total obliteration.
I don’t want to assume everyone has seen this big-budget Valentine to toxic masculinity. It’s currently on Hulu. But, once upon a time, I was young, and I almost (almost!) cried in the theater at the end of Armaggedon when [OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT] legendary roughneck Harry Stamper sacrificed his life for all humanity. What a guy.
Bruce Willis is Harry at his most Bruce Willis, bald, squinty, and smirky.
But before doing what he has to do, Harry says goodbye to his daughter Grace, played by Liv Tyler, who is back on Earth. Sad stuff. Then he tells her fiancé…
