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The manly ridiculousness of ‘Braveheart’

Freedom!

Dudes have been randomly screaming “freedom!” in a bad Scottish brogue ever since the blockbuster Braveheart came out in 1995. I’ve heard that single word shouted in bars and at ballgames and between friends, a revered callback to a movie that all American men seem to love, except for me, and that’s mainly because I had never seen it until a few weeks ago.

This news came as a surprise to many of my friends. “I can’t believe it,” one said. “What the fuck,” said another, as if I had betrayed him — and the Brotherhood of Man. The arc of one dude’s reaction started with pity and then ended with excitement once he realized we’d be able to talk about Braveheart.

I don’t know how to break the news to him. My review of Braveheart is, you know, what’s the word that describes grabbing an invisible floating banana and then slowly masturbating it in the air?

This movie is ridiculous, even by 1990s blockbuster standards. What were those standards?

Kevin Costner’s Waterworld also came out in 1995, the priciest movie ever made at the time, a sci-fi epic that asked the question: What if Aquaman was Mad Max? It was a flop, but it’s positively nuanced compared to [clears throat] “Freedom!”