The Brief History Of “The Brazen Bull”

There are some things that do not change.

So there was once a tyrant in Ancient Greece who went by the name Phalaris. He ruled the city of Akragas, on the island of Sicily. Got that? There’s more: Phalaris was a real asshole. Even by the standards of the day. This guy was worse than Alcandros and Phintias and Sosistratus. Yes, even Sosistratus. I mean, Phalaris was probably even worse than Hipparchus and that dude, as you no doubt know, was a real shithead.

This was a golden age of tyrants, you have to understand. It really sucked if you weren’t a king.

Here’s an anecdote and, please, stop me if you’ve heard it. Theron, the tyrant of Acragas, went to war with Himera, the tyrant of Terillus. So on the eve of the battle, Theron is talking with Gelo, the tyrant of Gela, about Himera and he says “That jerk is a real dick in the eyeball!” And Gelo responds, “He’s not as bad as Phalaris!” Then they laughed and laughed and, eventually, they died, and their bones turned to dust and their deeds have been forgotten because time is teeth and hunger and all that humans do — their palaces and roads, grand victories and bold discoveries, all the kisses, whispers and tears — are, ultimately, gristle.

We can look back and chuckle at the cruelties of the past because civilization has…