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It Is With A Heavy Heart That I, The Secretary Of Transportation, Introduce Myself As Your New President

My fellow Americans it is with a heavy heart that I, the Secretary of Transportation, introduce myself to you all the newly sworn in President of the United States.

This may be alarming to many, or all, of you. But do not panic. The good news is I am firmly in control. America is still the greatest country in the world. But right now is as good a time as any to tell you that the entire leadership of the Federal government are dead. From what I understand there was a fireball or a meteor or something and an explosion. More on that in a jiff.

As you can see, I’m not dead. And I don’t plan on being dead anytime soon.

I’m as surprised as you are, believe me. I can barely catch my breath. Boy, am I glad I wrote this speech down on these crumpled cocktail napkins. It never hurts to be prepared, right?

Moving forward, until things get back to normal, you may address me as Mr. President OR Mr. Secretary. Even though I was the next in line for the Presidency, I will still fulfill my responsibilities as Secretary of Transportation, which is to develop and coordinate policies that will provide an efficient and economical national transportation system.

How did this all happen? It’s a funny story, or will be, one day in the distant future.

As you may or may not know, the President asks one of his cabinet members to not attend the annual State of the Union. This is to ensure continuity of government in the highly unlikely event that an unforeseen catastrophe wipes out all three branches of the government. Usually, that cabinet member is very powerful — usually it’s the Department of Transportation, or the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Well, wouldn’t you know, something really messed up happened. Don’t know what exactly went down. Whatever it was, it was pretty fucked up. Forgive the language, but the most powerful assembly of men and women in the history of the world were just wiped off the face of the planet. My first Presidential decree is to find out why the US Capitol is a smoldering crater that looks like it leads straight to hell.

Was it God? Aliens? Those are probably the only two options. Probably God. A four-star general suggested it was time-travelling Soviets before he took his own life right there in front of me. The point is: I can’t believe I’m the leader of the free world.

Let’s remember those brave heroes who used to be democrats and republicans and are now neither. They have fluttered heavenward to touch the face of God because they’re angels. Chubby, mostly elderly, angels. Can you believe I don’t have a speechwriter?

But I’m more than just talk. I will get answers. I will get answers to other important questions, like why has the Potomac river turned to blood? Why are cats speaking Latin?

As of right now, I am in an undisclosed location, but as soon as we discover what could have destroyed one of the most heavily protected buildings ever constructed, after bypassing the most complex air defenses currently deployed, we will let you know.

Meanwhile, I’ll be running the country from a secret bunker buried safely into the side of a mountain. Rest assured that pretty soon we’ll hold elections for things like Senators and stuff. Appoint some new Supreme Court justices. But for now, let’s take a breather. It’s been a long night.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m really proud to be President of the United States, and Secretary of Transportation, though. Hi, mom! Hi, dad! I love you two. I’d like to thank my wife and son — I’m going to send in the Marines to get you guys. Ha, ha. Yes, the actual United States Marine Corps. All of them. I’d also like to thank all the other cabinet members who weren’t picked by the President to sit out the State of the Union. You guys are — were — simply the best, like the classic song says.

I also wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my inspirational high school teacher Mr. Berman, and also, if it weren’t for some horrific disaster beyond mortal comprehension. Lastly, I’d like to thank God, even though His wrath may be be responsible. But I’m not ruling out an alien race of sentient robots.

In closing, as President and Transportation Secretary, I want to issue the following executive orders: parking is free tomorrow. That’s right. All across this great land. Parking is free. Also: speed limits are now simply speed suggestions until further notice. In the coming weeks, I think you’ll support my War on Potholes. After all, transportation is how one gets from right now to the future of tomorrow.

We will overcome. God bless America. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Written by

Editor, Humungus. I won two James Beard Awards once for an essay about Taco Bell. Let’s be friends.

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