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I Tried To Save Western Civilization But Ended Up Donating To Planned Parenthood

Hi. My name is John DeVore, writer, sandwich enthusiast, and accidental freedom fighter. I recently donated money to Planned Parenthood after my plan to crowdfund a mission to save Western Civilization fell short of its goal.

But let’s briefly talk about politics before we get to pear-shaped plans and Planned Parenthood.

I’m someone who loves to talk about politics because I have anxiety problems. I also care deeply about the most important person in the world: me. Politics is about self-interest. That’s not an inspirational statement but, hey, at least it’s honest.

Politics is not sport, although rooting and booing is fun. Politics is not ideology, even if God is talking to you and only you. Righteousness is a helluva drug. And, most of all, politics is not therapy. It doesn’t exist to make you feel good about yourself. Your political allies are not your friends. They are just people who share your self-interest. No. Politics is one of two ways humans have of interacting with one another. The other way is Mad Max: Fury Road.

I recently tried to act in my own political self-interest. Luckily, your self-interest and mine aligned. This happens more than most people think since most people prefer to cheer for their team or tie some poor witch to a stake.

A few weeks ago I tried to raise $200,000 on GoFundMe for a worthy — some said heroic but I reject that label — cause. I wanted to become a member of President Trump’s luxury resort Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach. It costs $200,000 a year to join.

That way, I could keep an eye on him as he conducts the country’s business out in the open, surrounded by every villain from every 80’s movie.

Yup, that’s right, for a small fortune your average dimwitted fat cat can give the leader of the free world national security advice.

If you’re disgustingly rich you can afford to pal around with the President, his cabinet, and foreign leaders as they golf and eat meatloaf safely behind the walls of his personal pleasure garden, far from the prying eyes of the press. You can afford to make sure your interests are being pursued.

I thought someone should represent the 99% of Americans who don’t have a spare $200,000 to spend on golf.

This was the mission: catapult me into POTUS’ tacky Versailles where I could smoke cigars with Wall Street bankers and, in the event of an international incident, hide the ‘nuclear football’ in my hotel room. Yes, it was a ridiculous plot but the stakes are high!

My mission failed. But, thankfully, I had a backup mission. The funds that I did raise have been donated to Planned Parenthood. I wrote that I would do that so I did. Here’s the proof — the sum noted in the email includes fees GoFundMe deducted.

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I also donated $100 of my own precious moolah. You’ll have to email me for proof of that though.

But why did I donate to Planned Parenthood? That’s a good question. Here’s the truth: I chose them at random. I had so many worthy causes to choose from.

There are hundreds of organizations out there defending the rights of millions. They need money. I mean, writing hyper-partisan jokes on social media is noble work. But organizations like the ACLU, the National Council of La Raza, and the Sylvia Rivera Law Project — to name a few — are doing real work, advocating for you, and me, as well as marginalized people whose voices and needs are just as important as those who can fork over $200,000 for the privilege of whispering sweet nothings to POTUS.

Planned Parenthood, however, is a good choice. There are more than a few good reasons I’m happy to donate my campaign’s spoils to them. First off, I support access to affordable vasectomies. There is entirely too much sperm in the world. Planned Parenthood is a place where such surgeries can happen in a clean and safe environment. Trust me, you want your vasectomy to happen in a clean and safe environment.

I also support STD tests. That is because I am a hypochondriac. Once, in college, I convinced myself I had contracted an STD from what I’ll call “hard third base” with someone I was dating. I don’t know what I thought I had contracted — finger weevils? But, anyway, I wish I had known that a person could walk into Planned Parenthood and get tested. I thought STD tests were expensive, like champagne. I might even have learned some important things (like finger weevils aren’t real.) Education is important. Without it, civilizations die of terminal stupid.

Then there are Planned Parenthood’s reproductive healthcare services, including access to birth control, pap smears, prenatal care, and adoption referrals. It’s almost as if there’s a non-profit group out there that wants to help you plan your parenthood. Abortions account for three percent of Planned Parenthood’s total services. This is something you should know.

Abortion is one of those things everyone has an opinion about. Especially men! And I’m no different. My opinion is quite simple though: I oppose Uncle Sam tattooing “Property of the US Government” inside every American womb. This is not because I am a “good guy.” Ha, ha, ha. No. It’s because I, too, have reproductive organs. I would oppose Uncle Sam clamping an electronic monitor on my testicles. Reproductive rights for some are reproductive rights for none. Supporting Planned Parenthood is in my self-interest.

I almost forgot that you can get breast cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood and that health insurance is still expensive for many people. It’s amazing there are citizens in our country who still have to choose between rent and medical care. So isn’t it nice there are institutions out there that prize public health over the salary of some health insurance executive? Yes. Yes it is. It is in my self-interest to support affordable healthcare.

If you donated to my campaign: thank you. Truly, we fought the good fight. If you didn’t, that’s okay. If you were the one who emailed me about how I’m wrong about President Trump and will go to hell: only time will tell about either.

Written by

Editor, Humungus. I won two James Beard Awards once for an essay about Taco Bell. Let’s be friends.

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