When I asked you to “open up” I didn’t literally mean tear open your chest and let all those locusts fly out.

You need to learn to love yourself — even if you’re just a floating skull that chatters in the attic.

We need to talk it out, but first, you need to manifest a mouth. I just can’t engage in a constructive dialogue with a spinning chair.

Let your dead twin sister speak first and then it will be your turn.

I can see that youve spelled out “ANGRY” in blood on the wall… but tell me how you really feel.

I think you’re projecting… ectoplasm.

I’d feel depressed too if I spent all day screaming inside a mirror.

I’d like to talk about your mother. Now… she smothered you in your sleep, and then buried you in the garden. And from what I understand, you’re still very upset about it…

But are you happy being an extradimensional psychosexual demon butcher?

For an enchanted suit of armor, you have many emotional defenses.

“Denial” isn’t just a river in Egypt, which you’re familiar with seeing as you were once Pharaoh’s most beloved high priest.

Would you say your family has a history of possessing caretakers and then trying to murder their families?

Even the undead deserve happiness.

We can sit here for the next 45 minutes while you bellow “GET OUT” over and over again while the door slams if you’d like.

One day you’re a clown with shark teeth, the next day you’re a teddy bear that smells like chocolate. What do YOU think about these mood swings?

Just because all your friends are wandering around the bottom of the ocean for eternity doesn’t mean you have to wander around the bottom of the ocean for eternity.

If you’re going to be a living shadow, then be the best darn living shadow that you can be.

Hell is other people, especially if those people are narcissists.

So you think these “Ghost Hunters” from television are out to get you?

I’m just saying that maybe whispering “I will always love you” into the ear of your sleeping wife five years after you shot yourself in the head might not bring about the closure you need to move on.

Writer/editor. NYPost, CONAN, Sirius XM. 2X James Beard Award winner. I created Humungus, a blog about movies, tv & feelings.

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